Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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