HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
did i walk over a car last night?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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