yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
