I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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