my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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