I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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