My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
