I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Randomize
