When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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