I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
