good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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