finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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