If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Randomize
