Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
