Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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