dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
