the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Randomize
