You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Randomize
