Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
My life is pants optional.
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