apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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