I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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