Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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