someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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