I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
