I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
