You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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