I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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