hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
