Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
my shit smells like andre
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize