i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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