i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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