So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
