Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Randomize