OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
