he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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