come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
