my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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