you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
