New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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