and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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