when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
