Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
