Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
