i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
