I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
