So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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