I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Randomize
