a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Randomize
