Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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