I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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