allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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