see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
