i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize