Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
A+ Viking dick
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
