Where are you?
In a non slutty way
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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