Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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