You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize