So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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