drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
