Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
