People with herpes should wear stickers.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
