just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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