Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
