Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
