I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
