That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
