brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
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