First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Randomize
