I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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