why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
